There's nothing here for her anymore. Not really. She was always the actress, wise words at the ready, smile, sweet and serene always pasted on her lips. None of it was hers. Not really. Only borrowed, like the coat she's wearing. It's too big now, hanging loosely on her form. How long has it been?
It's hard now, without a script. She's awakened from the role she's been playing and it's an uneasy process. It reminds her of waking up on the cold pavement. There was a bit of snow in the air today. It comes earlier every year.
She is beautiful in a classic sort of way even without the makeup. A bit worse for wear now of course, but who isn't? It's the way of things.
She's the kind of girl who makes you wish the world hadn't moved on quite yet. The kind of girl with all the answers hiding somewhere behind her gaze. If only she could remember them.
She's losing words these days. She's aware of it and talks to herself to try to slow the process. But it only does so much good. And it's horrifying, the sound of her voice on the thin air. Sometimes she's not even sure it's hers. And what do you have if you can't even recognize your own voice? If the words sound like the guttural utterances of some terrible beast?
She dreams of the others sometimes. She knows they're out there. If they didn't exist, then why should she dream of them?
Monday, October 31, 2016
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Adrift
I feel strangely depressed today. I don't have to work this evening...I get to go out and trivia it up with a few friends...why am I feeling this way? It makes no logical sense.
I've "unpacked" my emotions to some extent-I guess in all honesty it's what I do. The way I'm feeling stems from a few things, I think:
1. I don't really feel that I connect with very many people. I talk to a lot of people. I go out on a fairly regular basis. I'm active on Facebook. And yet, I don't have a best friend. A true confidante. I'll probably spend Christmas alone. My family is deceased or in another part of the country...or working. Friends are (understandably) with their families. I lack the closeness with my family that it seems like others enjoy (or take for granted in some instances). I lack the "girlfriends." I've often been thankful that I've never had a relationship that's gotten very serious because I have no idea who I'd ask to be in my wedding.
2. I don't really feel like I'm working toward anything. I will be-there's no doubt about that. I'll be taking a certification course in March that will qualify me to teach English as a foreign language. It was supposed to take place in November though, and that's caused some understandable agitation. I'll have to find something to do with myself in the meantime. I am taking a trip to Argentina. Will that give me something to write about? Will anyone want to read what I write? Should I try to pen a novel during NaNoWriMo instead?
3. I'm clearly not doing what "everyone else does." It's a good thing-of course it is. But it's also a hard thing. I think that's in the fine print. I think they forget to mention that sometimes. When you don't use the same benchmarks to measure success and happiness, when you are forced to develop your own instead....and when the fact that you aren't living up to society's idea of what you ought to be is thrown in your face...well, it's difficult. We'll leave it at that. I'm still figuring out what the trajectory of my life looks like. I don't think it involves long-term employment with any particular company...or perhaps even industry. I think it involves travel. And writing if I have the opportunity. And learning. And just being. That's not being a bum in my eyes. That's being another lifeform on this planet...making the most of the gifts granted me by my species designation.
There. I think I've said what I needed to say. And I think it'll probably be alright in the end. But I definitely feel adrift at the moment.
I've "unpacked" my emotions to some extent-I guess in all honesty it's what I do. The way I'm feeling stems from a few things, I think:
1. I don't really feel that I connect with very many people. I talk to a lot of people. I go out on a fairly regular basis. I'm active on Facebook. And yet, I don't have a best friend. A true confidante. I'll probably spend Christmas alone. My family is deceased or in another part of the country...or working. Friends are (understandably) with their families. I lack the closeness with my family that it seems like others enjoy (or take for granted in some instances). I lack the "girlfriends." I've often been thankful that I've never had a relationship that's gotten very serious because I have no idea who I'd ask to be in my wedding.
2. I don't really feel like I'm working toward anything. I will be-there's no doubt about that. I'll be taking a certification course in March that will qualify me to teach English as a foreign language. It was supposed to take place in November though, and that's caused some understandable agitation. I'll have to find something to do with myself in the meantime. I am taking a trip to Argentina. Will that give me something to write about? Will anyone want to read what I write? Should I try to pen a novel during NaNoWriMo instead?
3. I'm clearly not doing what "everyone else does." It's a good thing-of course it is. But it's also a hard thing. I think that's in the fine print. I think they forget to mention that sometimes. When you don't use the same benchmarks to measure success and happiness, when you are forced to develop your own instead....and when the fact that you aren't living up to society's idea of what you ought to be is thrown in your face...well, it's difficult. We'll leave it at that. I'm still figuring out what the trajectory of my life looks like. I don't think it involves long-term employment with any particular company...or perhaps even industry. I think it involves travel. And writing if I have the opportunity. And learning. And just being. That's not being a bum in my eyes. That's being another lifeform on this planet...making the most of the gifts granted me by my species designation.
There. I think I've said what I needed to say. And I think it'll probably be alright in the end. But I definitely feel adrift at the moment.
Monday, October 17, 2016
The Thrill
Saturday was a momentous day for me-I participated in my first-ever half marathon. I finished in 2 hours and 25 minutes, a very average time for my age group. I'm still a little awestruck. A week ago I was still reeling from three weeks' of serious illness. And I...just...ran...13..miles. There were moments when I thought I might not make it, and there were plenty of times when I had to slow to a walk, but I kept on going. I suppose that declaration sums up my life thus far pretty nicely. I kept on going.
Plans have been made for my winter vacation, which I will spend in Argentina, and it's just another way that I've proved myself to myself. A love of adventure flows pretty freely through my veins. I'm not one to shy away from a challenge. I'm also not one to lose myself in the planning process, I'll admit. I tend to leap and ask questions later (I'd never actually ran a race prior to the half marathon). I've found the flights I'll take and drawn a rough outline of where I'd like to be when (I plan to spend most of my time in Patagonia and it's a big place to traverse in 2 weeks), but I'm going to leave the rest to the fates.
The idea of celebrating New Year's Eve in Buenos Aires thrills me to no end, though. It is one of those things I'm planning, although not in any serious way. Not yet. I'll celebrate in an exotic locale and do my best to mingle with some of the locals, and try out my Spanish at every opportunity, but I don't know where I'll be specifically, and I think a part of me doesn't want to know. Isn't that part of the intrigue? I like to leave a question or two floating about. Will there be tango? Will I find a nice rooftop celebration to partake in? What will I drink? Will I find myself in the midst of a huge crowd? What will I eat? Will I have the pleasure of a midnight kiss? What hopes will I have for 2017?
I smile when I think of it. All of it. The time away. The adventure. The scenery. The character of the place. I am optimistic, excited, my muscles tensing in anticipation, like a runnner at the starting line. I've trained for this in some sense, but the nuances of the event remain a mystery. I think I'm ready, but I'm not. Of course I'm not. But if there's one tool in my arsenal that's served me most through the years, it's my adaptability. I am still filled with the thrill of the hunt. I hope I always am.
Plans have been made for my winter vacation, which I will spend in Argentina, and it's just another way that I've proved myself to myself. A love of adventure flows pretty freely through my veins. I'm not one to shy away from a challenge. I'm also not one to lose myself in the planning process, I'll admit. I tend to leap and ask questions later (I'd never actually ran a race prior to the half marathon). I've found the flights I'll take and drawn a rough outline of where I'd like to be when (I plan to spend most of my time in Patagonia and it's a big place to traverse in 2 weeks), but I'm going to leave the rest to the fates.
The idea of celebrating New Year's Eve in Buenos Aires thrills me to no end, though. It is one of those things I'm planning, although not in any serious way. Not yet. I'll celebrate in an exotic locale and do my best to mingle with some of the locals, and try out my Spanish at every opportunity, but I don't know where I'll be specifically, and I think a part of me doesn't want to know. Isn't that part of the intrigue? I like to leave a question or two floating about. Will there be tango? Will I find a nice rooftop celebration to partake in? What will I drink? Will I find myself in the midst of a huge crowd? What will I eat? Will I have the pleasure of a midnight kiss? What hopes will I have for 2017?
I smile when I think of it. All of it. The time away. The adventure. The scenery. The character of the place. I am optimistic, excited, my muscles tensing in anticipation, like a runnner at the starting line. I've trained for this in some sense, but the nuances of the event remain a mystery. I think I'm ready, but I'm not. Of course I'm not. But if there's one tool in my arsenal that's served me most through the years, it's my adaptability. I am still filled with the thrill of the hunt. I hope I always am.
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