Yesterday was the 4-year anniversary of my mother's death, and I decided there was no better way to celebrate her life than by filling my weekend with things she used to love. Red wine. An excursion to the thrift store. Documentaries. Dean Koontz. Coffee. Haunted locales. I've tackled it all in 3 short days. They say the spirits of the departed are never far from their domains-the places they most frequented in life. What better way to connect with memories and muster the courage to face our tomorrows in all their complex uncertainty?

Today also marks the start of NaNoWriMo-that's National Novel Writing Month for the uninitiated. And while this won't be a part of the big project I plan to tackle, it's the perfect way to get the juices flowing, and maybe, just maybe, I'll inspire you to do something similar. Everyone has a story, and so long as it is told, we fend off Death, which is stopped in her tracks by spirit.

My Heavy Burden

I haven't written in awhile, and there's a good reason for that. I've been swamped with school, work, and getting settled in my new place. Ah, the joys of adult life.

I took on this second degree because I thought it would help me get a job, but I've managed to succeed without the education. The degree might still come in handy, but the work I'm being forced to do feels like too much of a sacrifice to make right now. Still, I'll finish this semester and the next (since I'm receiving loan money for this year) and then reevaluate after that point. It's a long march to Christmas though, let me tell you.

I'm not made for the academy. It's too rigid, too serious, too distanced from the real world. I know what I want, but I'm not sure how to go about achieving it. To be a writer, to live off being a writer...it requires writing, I'm told, and I need to find the time to do it. And that means school goes to the sidelines for the time being. As soon as these two semesters are behind me. I'll be nearly halfway done with the degree at that point as it happens. It's something that will probably be done, but slowly. And I have to keep on telling myself that there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you have to take some time to put things into perspective, reevaluate what is truly important in life. Life has to be more than the completion of an endless series of tasks. They should be tasks contributing to a greater sense of well-being. In a way, much of what we do works against us. I imagine it's true for me too, imagine that I'm working against my peace. Still, having the degree might be rewarding in the long run, in ways I can't foresee. I just need to keep things in perspective for the time being.

It's nice having my own place and also a little lonely. I'm not heartbroken to be single as I once was though. In fact, it's gotten to the point that I'm not sure I'd know how else to be. I suppose that someone will come along sooner or later. Until then, being busy keeps my mind occupied, and I'm thankful for the burden I carry in that sense.

But scholastic obligations call me yet again. This weekend it's an annotated bibliography for a project analyzing the rhetoric of counterculture music. We'll see what I can come up with by tomorrow.

Here's to a peaceful week for all. Remember to take some time for yourself. It's more necessary than you know.

Presence

It's been too long since I've written something I actually wanted to write, and I feel I have things to say, and as it turns out, that's the ideal recipe for a blog entry.

The weekend was full of revelations. I deserve good things, for one. If I'm ever to realize this in any meaningful way, I've got to cut out the weeds stifling my growth. Another lesson: the most confusing people in this world are usually the most confused. I'm empathetic, perhaps to a fault. I know the struggle. My instinct is to comfort. Too often this has kept me from having those good things I've realized I've entitled to. It's caused a sort of inner conflict in me. And that conflict is best understood within the context of the dynamic nature of things.

 I've been living my life on the premise that the world was not in constant motion. It sounds ridiculous, even to my own ears. I'll be the first to admit that the only constant is change, but it hasn't really affected the way I live.  There's a reason we use the expression "Go with the flow." Nothing is static, and when it appears to be, it's only an indication that things are moving too slowly to be perceived...but they are still moving. We're moving too, and our motion isn't always in sync with the motions of other elements in our environments. Conflict is pretty much inevitable.

I think a lot on the past, grasp for things that are lost to the world and only live on in my memories. I also think a lot about the future, wondering where my life will take me and whether it will be worth the wait, wondering if I'll ever find someone I can share my life with, obsessing over the possibility of things that can't be known.

Both habits breed unhappiness. The present is all we really have. I've said it often enough. Now the time has come to start living as though that were the case. Happy moments are tainted when we focus on their endpoints. Possible relationships are like new buds, and when we intervene too much, we rob them of the opportunity to grow. Left to their own devices, some will die off of course, perhaps even before they get the chance to show their true colors to the world. Perhaps it is a frost that claims them. Or excessive rain or heat. Or the lack of something vital. The climate of our life circumstances too, isn't always amenable to growth. Sometimes it's a matter of waiting and believing that the laws of statistics will win out in the end. It takes a great deal of effort to break through the soil, let alone flourish. There will always be obstacles. But to simply be is wonderful. Why focus on the obstacles that might or might not come? Why not rejoice in ourselves and in the different dynamics we create with others? To pin a thing down is to restrict its freedom to be. And this restriction means that our efforts to "pin down" will never be successful.

And that's what's on my mind. I deserve the new place I'll have soon. And I deserve to rejoice in decorating it with antique odds and ends and local artwork. My time is valuable. I've been wrong to attempt to pin down some relationships in my life. And maybe this will encourage new growth. As I give, I will also insist on taking. As I seek, I will also insist on being sought. But what will be taken is time and joy. And what I hope to have sought out in my company is companionship. I don't care about the name that is given to it. Or when it will end. Only that it feels right right now. Despite the resistance encountered. Perhaps because of it. I know what it's like to be adrift, to seek meaning, to distrust all the world. For now I will be patient with myself and with him too. What will be will be. If I've truly learned this lesson, it's all been worth it, no matter what is yet to come. I insist on finding out though, and I couldn't tell you why. And maybe that's the truth of a thing-its inability to be pinned down.

Things Turning Around

The weekend is never so restful as when it follows a hectic week. I woke at 9 this morning, stayed in bed until a quarter after the hour, had a leisurely cup of coffee, worked out hard for the first time in more than week, relaxed with a cold beverage afterward. Part of me feels lonesome, but there's another part of me that is thankful for the solitude of the day because it's allowed me to get caught up on things that were put on the back burner.

I hope to have a bit more energy after work in the coming week. And I'm hoping to find a bit more to do. Things are agonizingly slow at the moment. That kind of environment exhausts me quicker than anything else it seems.

I feel more competent than I did coming into the position, and the support I've received has been amazing. Maybe things are finally starting to turn around. One can always hope.

An Exhausting First Week

Work has begun. It's only been three days, but I'm exhausted, my sights already set on the weekend. I'm hoping to have a functional e-mail by tomorrow. My job will entail a lot, and while it thrills me, thoughts of what I have to do also exhaust me. I'm trying to find my "manager persona." I'm fortunate in that I have a marvelous assistant whose knowledge knows no bounds. I'm not sure where I'd be without her.

I can do this. I know I can. But it's still intimidating, if you know what I mean.

My personal life feels like it's in shambles. I don't have the energy to even think about it very much. I also lack the energy to care too much though, so I suppose I'm not really miserable so much as resigned. The guy I liked...the guy I like...I can't really lie to myself at this point...he's a bit of a narcissist. I'm beginning to doubt that he cares anything for me. I think I am a way to kill time. It's the impression I'm getting at any rate. Maybe it's better to acknowledge this sooner rather than later. I guess I'm a little fortunate to be too tired to feel the full blow of the realization.

But tomorrow is another long day...I can already feel it. I better get some reading it while I can.

Under the Weather

I've somehow managed to get what is probably the worst case of Strep Throat I've ever had. Of course it happens the week before I'm set to begin a new job. At any rate, I'm now on a course of antibiotics and hoping things improve for me sooner rather than later. I feel like a slob since I haven't been exercising, but plan to get back into a routine once the worst of the sickness passes. At least the body aches have gone.

When I haven't been sleeping, I've been trying to do a bit of writing or making a dent in the growing pile of reading material. 

I hope to have something more substantial to add soon. For now, this will have to do. Unoriginal though it is, this is a list of advice I'd give myself if I could go back in time, and it's the advice I'd hand out to those who find themselves on a cusp, on the edge of something that feels wonderful or dangerous or uncertain. 

Be kind to yourself when the world is cruel and push yourself when you've got a bit more ground to cover before the sun sets. Tell your story to someone and listen to someone else's without judgment. Know that if you close your heart to pain, you also close it to joy. Fall in love, but be picky about whom you fall in love with. Do something every day that feels uncomfortable. Congratulate yourself once you've done it. Grow your own food when you can. If you can't, at least prepare your meals yourselves. Learn a new recipe, but then add or substitute something to see what happens. Do something kind for someone you don't know. Let someone do something kind for you. Forgives others' lapses in judgment. Smile, even when you have no reason to. Forgive others. More importantly, forgive yourself. Know your limits. Don't tolerate cruelty. When someone tells you what they think of you, believe them. Actions speak louder than words-always. Don't let fear turn you off the path of discovery. When misery takes up residence in your mind, tell yourself that its stay is limited. It will check out and be on its way unless you invite it to stay. When someone tries to make you fit into a mold you simply don't fit, tell them so. And find better company. Save a little bit back every paycheck. You never know when it will come in handy. Get an education. Learn at every turn. Know the difference between information and knowledge. Believe in something greater than yourself and don't let anyone else tell you what it is. Make art. Don't let anyone tell you it's futile. Read the classics. Especially the Greeks. Those guys knew how to write a drama. Exercise, but do something you enjoy. Eat healthy, but don't cut out entire food groups, and don't turn down an ice cream date when it's offered. Don't trust anyone whose sole purpose in life is to become rich. Know that money will never truly buy happiness. Don't select a career solely based on your earning capacity. Deep connections are rare. Hold onto the books, movies, and people that touch you. Don't be afraid to be yourself. Live somewhere other than where you were born for awhile. Help the needy. Both will expand your perspective in different ways. Get out into nature at regular intervals. Turn off your phone on occasion. Build something yourself. Consider other alternatives before you make up your mind. Listen to your heart. Always. Even when it leads you astray. 

What I Am Not

Sometimes, on the quest to discovering who we are, we must first come to understand what we are not. The process is often painful. It has been for me at any rate. I can safely say that I am not a convincing salesperson. I'm not a "Yes" woman either. I'm not passive or content with receiving handouts. I'm not the kind of person who gives up. I'm not always capable of a balanced perspective in the heat of the moment. I'm not a very good athlete. I'm not a vegetarian. Nor a lover of the work of Jane Austen. I'm not one of those people who draws attention to herself just by entering a room. I'm not one of those people who can accept that 'cultural differences" are justifiable means for failing to connect with other human beings.

What I'm not says a great deal about what I am. And that is a work in progress.

Tonight brings a round of trivia with good friends. The weekend brings a date at a bookstore and a storytelling conference, and a return to the Unitarian Universalist church I scoped out last Sunday.

I suppose even mentioning the good things ahead gives some indication that I am also hopeful, no longer determined by past events, which, instrumental as they were in the shaping of my sense of self, are not synonymous with my sense of self.

If you're reading this, you're the progeny of survivors of cataclysms. You've endured your own unique set of hardships and you're stronger for it, whether it feels that way or not. If it does feel that way, you're not really in it anymore. It won't feel that way forever. Hang onto the strength. Memorialize it in whatever way makes the most sense to you. And if it doesn't feel like you can even stand, do it anyway. And then declare boldly that you've done what you felt you couldn't, no matter how small the feat. You can do anything in the end, so long as you're on your side.

Announcements

It's Sunday evening and I'm happy to announce that, after countless applications, interviews, and moments of self-doubt, I've secured a job! I'll be working as a librarian with UMKC's Health Sciences library at the School of Medicine. It's a wonderful opportunity to prove myself professionally, and to develop a skillset that can only benefit me in the future.

My writing comes in bursts at best, but I'm hoping that getting my own place will afford me more quiet moments in which to reflect and create. The current project is a trilogy called The Clockmakers. Book One will be called The God Machine and I'm hoping to have it completed by the end of the year.

I'm attending services at the local Unitarian Universalist church and the experience is inspiring me in unexpected ways. There are exciting times ahead. I can feel it. And that's usually a good thing...