It's been too long since I've written something I actually wanted to write, and I feel I have things to say, and as it turns out, that's the ideal recipe for a blog entry.
The weekend was full of revelations. I deserve good things, for one. If I'm ever to realize this in any meaningful way, I've got to cut out the weeds stifling my growth. Another lesson: the most confusing people in this world are usually the most confused. I'm empathetic, perhaps to a fault. I know the struggle. My instinct is to comfort. Too often this has kept me from having those good things I've realized I've entitled to. It's caused a sort of inner conflict in me. And that conflict is best understood within the context of the dynamic nature of things.
I've been living my life on the premise that the world was not in constant motion. It sounds ridiculous, even to my own ears. I'll be the first to admit that the only constant is change, but it hasn't really affected the way I live. There's a reason we use the expression "Go with the flow." Nothing is static, and when it appears to be, it's only an indication that things are moving too slowly to be perceived...but they are still moving. We're moving too, and our motion isn't always in sync with the motions of other elements in our environments. Conflict is pretty much inevitable.
I think a lot on the past, grasp for things that are lost to the world and only live on in my memories. I also think a lot about the future, wondering where my life will take me and whether it will be worth the wait, wondering if I'll ever find someone I can share my life with, obsessing over the possibility of things that can't be known.
Both habits breed unhappiness. The present is all we really have. I've said it often enough. Now the time has come to start living as though that were the case. Happy moments are tainted when we focus on their endpoints. Possible relationships are like new buds, and when we intervene too much, we rob them of the opportunity to grow. Left to their own devices, some will die off of course, perhaps even before they get the chance to show their true colors to the world. Perhaps it is a frost that claims them. Or excessive rain or heat. Or the lack of something vital. The climate of our life circumstances too, isn't always amenable to growth. Sometimes it's a matter of waiting and believing that the laws of statistics will win out in the end. It takes a great deal of effort to break through the soil, let alone flourish. There will always be obstacles. But to simply be is wonderful. Why focus on the obstacles that might or might not come? Why not rejoice in ourselves and in the different dynamics we create with others? To pin a thing down is to restrict its freedom to be. And this restriction means that our efforts to "pin down" will never be successful.
And that's what's on my mind. I deserve the new place I'll have soon. And I deserve to rejoice in decorating it with antique odds and ends and local artwork. My time is valuable. I've been wrong to attempt to pin down some relationships in my life. And maybe this will encourage new growth. As I give, I will also insist on taking. As I seek, I will also insist on being sought. But what will be taken is time and joy. And what I hope to have sought out in my company is companionship. I don't care about the name that is given to it. Or when it will end. Only that it feels right right now. Despite the resistance encountered. Perhaps because of it. I know what it's like to be adrift, to seek meaning, to distrust all the world. For now I will be patient with myself and with him too. What will be will be. If I've truly learned this lesson, it's all been worth it, no matter what is yet to come. I insist on finding out though, and I couldn't tell you why. And maybe that's the truth of a thing-its inability to be pinned down.
