Adrift

I feel strangely depressed today. I don't have to work this evening...I get to go out and trivia it up with a few friends...why am I feeling this way? It makes no logical sense.

I've "unpacked" my emotions to some extent-I guess in all honesty it's what I do. The way I'm feeling stems from a few things, I think:

1. I don't really feel that I connect with very many people. I talk to a lot of people. I go out on a fairly regular basis. I'm active on Facebook. And yet, I don't have a best friend. A true confidante. I'll probably spend Christmas alone. My family is deceased or in another part of the country...or working. Friends are (understandably) with their families. I lack the closeness with my family that it seems like others enjoy (or take for granted in some instances). I lack the "girlfriends." I've often been thankful that I've never had a relationship that's gotten very serious because I have no idea who I'd ask to be in my wedding.

2. I don't really feel like I'm working toward anything. I will be-there's no doubt about that. I'll be taking a certification course in March that will qualify me to teach English as a foreign language. It was supposed to take place in November though, and that's caused some understandable agitation. I'll have to find something to do with myself in the meantime. I am taking a trip to Argentina. Will that give me something to write about? Will anyone want to read what I write? Should I try to pen a novel during NaNoWriMo instead?

3. I'm clearly not doing what "everyone else does." It's a good thing-of course it is. But it's also a hard thing. I think that's in the fine print. I think they forget to mention that sometimes. When you don't use the same benchmarks to measure success and happiness, when you are forced to develop your own instead....and when the fact that you aren't living up to society's idea of what you ought to be is thrown in your face...well, it's difficult. We'll leave it at that. I'm still figuring out what the trajectory of my life looks like. I don't think it involves long-term employment with any particular company...or perhaps even industry. I think it involves travel. And writing if I have the opportunity. And learning. And just being. That's not being a bum in my eyes. That's being another lifeform on this planet...making the most of the gifts granted me by my species designation.

There. I think I've said what I needed to say. And I think it'll probably be alright in the end. But I definitely feel adrift at the moment.